Life or Death to Me

Did I get your attention? 
Good! Because it is not life or death to me.         
  Buuut...yea just read. It explains everything!

          In the summer of 2012, we discovered that I was gluten intolerant, sugar intolerant and allergic or on the verge of being allergic to a whole list of things that could go on for miles.

Ok, no, not really. But the list of foods that I could be allergic to iss really long. And the list of foods I am allergic to has foods that I never ate anyways, so no big deal there. But foods that I could be allergic to...now that is just not fair. Bananas, blueberries, corn...Corn is in like EVERYTHING! Corn flour, corn starch, corn syrup, corn, corn, corn.

Anyways family and some friends, we know that what helps me is to eat a protein heavy diet, because according to test results, my body struggles with absorbing the protein it needs and if I eat something sweet without some sort of protein I'm instantly going through body discomfort. I get gasey, bloated, and diahhrea – one of those things eventually come out of something I shouldn’t have eaten. Ugh! It sucks immensely!

Why do I have to struggle with this? Why me? Why can’t I have a rash if I eat one of those things so I know instantly what not to eat? Or...or be sick some other way that’s not life-long???

Why must my body be so out of balance? Why? Why? Why?

For the first three to four months I was totally fine with it, I mean yea I struggled and asked those questions, but I tried not to meditate on them, because this is what it is. No sense getting depressed about it, I mean seriously, I was glad someone was telling me to eat a protein rich diet, because that’s what I wanted to do anyways, because that’s one way you can lose weight. I mean celebrities do it for their action movies and they look great!

Well, I gained weight, but then I lost that weight to be back to where I started – still “overweight.” I struggled to like eating a protein heavy diet, because suddenly I just wanted all the things I couldn’t have and I’d try to find alternatives to the things I couldn’t have by finding it in forms that I could have. I’d find different ways to satisfy my sweet tooth or starchy crave.

That protein diet became hard.

One day, and I was actually in Germany at a friend’s house when I came across this verse in one of my daily emailed devotionals.

It’s Psalm 73, verse 26. It says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

It sticks out to me because I struggle to find joy in my own body that is so out of whack – so out of balance. God, what’s the point?

It’s not your average body. I can't eat freely whatever I want without an upset stomach.

I want healing soo badly! I want to have a balanced hormonal body so I can have a stupid period like a normal girl, for heaven’s sakes! Is that so bad???

As I journaled about it, I realized I do have an addiction.

It is sugar and sweet stuff. And for the past couple years before I had been really wanting to fast and get closer to God and seek Him for answers on my life, but I never felt like it could work out, because of this or that. And I couldn’t figure out what would I fast from, because I basically already fast from a load of food, rarely watch tv, music helps me stay upbeat, and the internet is required for school work. So what am I supposed to fast from?

Sugar. Every time, that seems to be my only option, but every time I’d find excuses. On top of that people always, ALWAYS give me pity about how sorry they feel for me for not being able to eat treats and other “good” food. I mean before we discovered my body’s problem, people always questioned “why go on that sort of diet?”

“It’s not normal?”

They would look at me like I had a problem, like an eating disorder or something.

NO! People that’s not it!

Ugh! I would get so frustrated with them. How do I make them understand that I need to do this, not just to lose weight and what not, but for spiritual and mental and physical well-being?

And then I had a doctor tell me that I need to do this diet – almost the same one I tried to do, but people convinced me that it was not the “healthy” thing to do. So THEN I got...let me re-phrase that, I ALWAYS got that pity about how bad they feel I’m not allowed to such “yummy” food.

And alot of times I felt like I was under peer pressure to try things or eat things that they’d offer me or get for themselves and suggest I get some too, because I would voice my thoughts on how “Oh, I would like that.” Or “I should try that, because...” Or “Oh, I will just drink lots and lots of water to wash it out.” Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Oh! Yea, right! How well is that workin’ out for ya? Huh?

It’s that whole mind thing. You decide what you want to think and what you want to feel. I have to train myself to think and look at this whole thing differently. I have to think of not eating sugar and “taste-bud happy” foods, as a joyful thing. I have to see it as a blessing not to eat it and take merriment in not eating it. I no longer want to feel guilty for refusing something sweet tasting. I’m going to feel victorious and rise above that. I’m going to feel happy and joyful and smile about not eating that. I will not frown and “Oh, take pity on me.” I will smile and politely refuse the sugar with joy. Even on the holidays and special occasions and stuff, because this is a special occasion to me – to give up sugar for who knows how long, but it’s something I have to do and I want to do.

So that day I came across Psalm 73:26, I decided, no more excuses. I’m sticking to my fasting from sugar for at least one month, but first I will start with seeing one week, so I’m not so overwhelmed. But like I said, who knows how long I will do this. I will take it one step at a time or one day at a time, because that’s all we can do.

Now, this will not be easy at times. The promise is we will go through struggles and weakness in wanting to give into the temptation and fill my head with famous excuses to give in to the temptation and feel pity and sorry for myself. Blah, blah, blah.

But Psalm 73:26 gives me hope that though my flesh is failing me, I know that when I die I will be some place better...in the arms of my Father with a perfect body. The earth life is not the end of joy for me and I hope it is not the end of joy for you.