Something Personal...About Me

I've been...uncommitted to God, I've not been in relationship with...I just always know He's there...I feel Him here like all the time...but I don't ever acknowledge Him...I feel like I don't know how...there's nothing I can say to Him, except to ask for help and healing...but that feels/seems too much like one of those who always asks and never thanks or anything else. I don't want to be one of those constant askers...

Speaking of which, I always have trouble asking for help, especially from other people in every day life and school-related.
I guess I'm too prideful...for my independence.
God help me (with my pride).

These words crossed my thoughts...His grace abounds no ends. His love abounds no ends.

Anyways, pride is a hard thing to control...I thought I had it under control before I got here (who am I kidding, I never had it under control...maybe slightly masked...).  But I come to find that it's rotting inside me, giving off a stinky scent - my rudeness or unhappiness or stress, snapping, insecure person, who tries to hide her shame and feel sorry for herself. For what? To be perfect like everyone else seems to be?

I have no sense of peace when I continue to let my mind run away with unhappy, insecure thoughts of he or she is better. And on and on the thoughts go fueling me to compare myself with every other person out there in my path.
I've resisted the road of positive thinking and forgiveness toward myself...and others, because of my pride. My pride of not wanting to be seen as weak. Is that so bad? To not want to be weak?

I am reminded of a scripture about how In my weakness, He is strong or something like that...

Here, let me look...
OH! I was thinking of 2 Corinthians 12:10b - "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

That is SO HARD to wrap my mind around. It seems so much easier to be strong with my pride and put on a strong face of "I don't need anyone." But all I ever seem to get inside me is this unsettling peace. A rotting that stinks when I let my "good-face" slide. When I take down the "good-mask." Everyone can see that there's nothing relaxing about me.

It's hard work to put up a happy-good life-mask, but I don't want to wear a mask. I don't want to fake happiness. I want the real thing!
But my stupid pride gets in the way - "I'm weak and stupid when I ask for help. You got to look like you know what you're doing."
Who am I kidding? Don't I know that nobody's perfect by now?

For heaven's sakes, I just need to let go of perfection. It's never gonna happen...at least on this earth.

So Paul said, "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being." (Ephesians 3:16)

Okay...I tell myself to just believe...the Bible is a Book of Truths after all. I believe that if I let my own strength down, humble myself and make room for God's strength, I will be strong, because He makes me strong. I only pray that people see His strength and not mine, though it does take my own personal strength to surrender my willful-pride to Him.
And Paul said, "We are glad whenever we are weak but You are strong; and our prayer is for your perfection [or maturity]." (2 Corinthians 13:9)

I believe is what Paul meant..."maturity" rather than perfection, because perfection is out of this world...no body is perfect.

And Paul said, "For to be sure, He/Jesus was crucified in weakness, yet He lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you." (2 Corinthians 13:4)

So when I am in Him, His power makes me strong in the good-way and not the prideful way that makes my world stink and that of other's. I'm sorry for my stinky attitude.

I can't promise that it's gone for good, but I can sure try.

What works for me...in finding peace and not feel like I'm constantly trying to keep up a "good-face" is focusing on God and constantly surrendering everything to Him and reminding myself that everyone is struggling in life too and is probably too busy focusing on their own problems and insecurities than on mine.

So why worry about something that's not even being focused on me? Why not replace my worries with loving others? (Which honestly, is hard, and I mean very hard to do as an introvert, anti-social person, who would prefer alone time and doing things on her own, not that I don't like people time, I love quality time with people! But it's a personality thing. And it's my weakness.)



Here's a song by a band called Barlow Girls. They (three sisters) have impacted my life and been role models since I was in high school, wait, middle school. Whatever, it's been almost ten years.

It's called "Beautiful Ending."

It speaks of "the pride of my heart makes me forget it's not me but You, Who makes the heart beat"...and how "at the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms" - my Creator's arms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixj6A_ZIuiI&feature=related

P.S. My band, Black Light (yes, I'm in a band with my sister and best friend, who's practically a sister), we love playing this song and just worshipping together with our instruments and voices.

Winter 2011...Alyssa, Becca, and Lauren Barlow on the left side. Katie (my sis), Amanda, and me on the right side. (We got their autographs!) ;)